I purchased an IBM C400 projector long about 2006 from the IBM Employee Purchase Program, and got a really good deal on it (or so I thought).

Knowing what I know now, I would've never purchased a projector from IBM.

The projector broke on July 8th--it started making horrible noises, and ultimately switched off entirely, never to live again. No sweat, I reasoned, the thing is under warranty. I called IBM on July 8th to get it replaced under that warranty.

And the hoop-jumping began.

For starters, IBM doesn't even own the PC Company anymore, the division who sold projectors in the first place--they sold it to Lenovo. And even when they did, they didn't make than themselves--some other company made them and IBM silked their logo onto them.

First stop: Warranty Entitlement, where they asked me not only for the original invoice (yeah, like I still had it after more than two years and three moves), but also for a photograph of the bottom of the unit showing the serial numbers and so forth. Okay, I've never been asked for a photograph of anything I was submitting for warranty repair, but alright--in order to get my projector fixed, I'll play along. I also simulated the original invoice I got as best I could. And for those of you thinking that this is somewhere in the gray areas of morality, just remember that I am entitled to warranty service on this thing because it's less than three years in-service, and it's warranty period is three years. I'm not asking for anything I'm not entitled to.

After two days, Entitlement came back and cleared the projector on to the next step.

Next stop: Technical support, where I talked to a first-line and second-line, who walked me through various procedures to try to get the projector working again. Kind of like asking a farmer to poke his dead plow-horse with a stick to get it working again, know what I mean? They didn't ask me to do anything I hadn't tried long before I got on the phone with them.

Once they deduced that the projector was actually dead, they had me read them the model/type and serial number off the bottom. Then they had me read some other, longer number off the bottom. Well, the velcro with which I had originally mounted the projector had covered three quarters of this number, and when I tried to remove the velcro, the number came off with it.

"Sorry," the Lenovo agent said. :Your projector's warranty is void then."

WHAT!?

"Oh no no no..." I replied. "Now you listen here. I'm not just some schmuck off the street: I was an IBMer for more than twelve years, and I bought this thing from the IBM Employee Purchase Program. You are obligated to cover this under warranty. I gave you your Model/Type and serial number, and that should be good enough whether IBM manufactured the thing or not. Now you cross-reference it and cover this thing under the terms of your warranty--and if you don't escalate my request to your manager, I guarantee you that I will find your manager in BluePages. And rest assured that my conversation with him or her will not be as pleasant as this one."

That got a definite jarring response from the agent. She didn't expect someone on the phone who knew "the system." She escalated my "override" request to her manager--Mr Ewell Lammy, head of IBM Service and Support for what was once Options by IBM, who took three more days to approve it.

Stop #3 on this journey was IBM CRU (Customer-Replaceable Unit) parts in Boulder, Colorado. Upon calling CRU, I was informed that they would be shipping a refurbished C400 projector to me within three to five business days.

*Groan* Fine. At least I'll be getting the damn projector, at long-last. This had already taken a week-and-a-half, all the while, I had no TV in my bedroom because that was the dead projector's job in the first place.

A week went by. No projector. Two weeks went by. Still no projector.

A call to Boulder CRU for the tracking number yielded an interesting response: they hadn't even sent it out yet. After containing my frustration to avoid taking it out on the hapless CRU agent--who couldn't do anything about my plight even if she wanted to--I calmly asked what department was handling the snafu. I was given the number for stop #4.

Stop #4 was IBM Parts Administration in Boulder, Colorado. I was informed that since they're not really in the projector biz anymore (the Lenovo site sells other brands of projectors, but IBM projectors are a thing of the past) IBM is at the mercy of some facility out in California who refurbishes their broken projectors. Several attempts to get hold of this facility had resulted in no return communication, and it was a waiting game at this point.

Swell.

After a week of waiting--and calling every day for increasingly frustrating status updates--I was finally informed that it was finally shipped, DHL overnight, on the 22nd.

When it didn't show up on the 23rd, I called IBM Parts Administration, Boulder back to get the tracking number from them. They were very surprised to hear from me and even more surprised that the package didn't show up; they gave me the tracking number and I proceeded to http://www.dhl-usa.com to figure out where my replacement projector was.

Someone had not given DHL the suite number for my office, so on the 24th, it was sent back to the Ft. Lauderdale depot.

I called DHL and gave the agent the corrected suite number. And waited until the 25th.

The 25th came and went. No package.

On the evening of the 25th I checked the status of the package on line again. Same error--wrong suite number. AGAIN. The DHL agent I spoke to on the 24th had taken down the suite number wrong. AGAIN.

The weekend came and went; I borrowed a projector from one of our conference rooms, as I have for the last three weekends since my projector broke so Butterfly and I and the kids could at least have some TV in the bedroom while I was waiting the eternity for my projector to be replaced.

I checked the tracking information again just this morning. For some reason. DHL were under the impression that I was going to pick up the package at the sorting facility at Ft. Lauderdale Airport today--and I don't even have a car! I took the train! So it wasn't even put on the MOTHERFUCKING TRUCK FOR DELIVERY TO MY OFFICE!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I called them up and told them to schedule it for delivery today if possible, and tomorrow if not.

As of this writing, I STILL DO NOT HAVE MY PROJECTOR!!!